Tuesday 5th January
Well done for all the superb writing on building tension and pace today.
Below I have included writing from Nadia, Leila and Will.
Nadia has used excellent deliberate vocabulary choices to build tension, such as 'pure determination. Have a read below.
-THE GIANTS NECKLACE -
By Nadia Crawley
The ferocious wind blew in Cherry’s face leaving her in a state of shock. It’s just the wind, I’ve got plenty of time. The girl thought. Little did she know that she was in grave danger and if she didn’t act quickly she would be swept up by the unforgiving sea.
As she collected more shells she had realised she was in a very unfamiliar place. It didn’t look like the beach, it looked like another beach, one which was very far away. Like a melting ice cream, her happy face melted as she started to sob. “Oh no what am I going to do? I should have been home three hours ago, everyone is going to be worried sick.” As she started to gather her shells, she looked up at the murky sky. There was no trace of light, it was dark and miserable... The dark clouds hovered over Cherry, looking tremendously upset, she knew she had to hurry up, or she would meet a wet demise.
With pure determination, Cherry started to climb the harsh mountain, with all her might she heaved herself up onto the last step. “Come on Cherry you can do it!” She said, panting, as she started to grasp the wet grass. As she started to make her triumphant move, she ripped the moist grass off the ridge and fell, her legs and arms flailing. Shutting her eyes tightly, she clung onto the edge of the mountain, pleading for her dear life, but clearly her weight was too much for the rocks. The edge broke... she screamed in pure horror... It was definitely the end...
Down, down, she went, it was as if she was going on a rollercoaster which went very low and then of course it would end, well the ending meant death in Cherry’s case. So she knew she had to act quickly, very quickly. Seconds later, she found herself in the sea, she looked mortified. Like a baby monkey, she clung on to the kelp, meanwhile holding her breath. She knew she could hold her breath forever, so she swam up to the surface to see... A colossal wave ten times the size of her which was coming towards her. Before Cherry had time to utter a word the waves swallowed her whole... She was gone, gone forever... She couldn’t save herself...
The family were devastated. They had all guessed what had happened. “She’s gone!” Mother shrieked. As the unfortunate family shed more tears there was a faint knock on the door. Barely glancing at she soaked figure she spluttered a “what do you want?” The soaked figure responded in a merry way. “It’s me Mother, oh how dreadfully sorry I am look I’m still in one piece! The giant’s necklace kept me alive!” Mother rubbed her eyes. “It’s you! My daughter oh do come in!”
From that day on the girl never stayed out too late. Because she knew the consequence.
Leila has used similes, short sentences to build tension and pace and detailed description. Have a look.
-THE GIANT’S NECKLACE-
The bitter, rushing wind beat against Cherry’s face, which was as pale as the froth pouring out from the sea. Cherry had to do something. And quickly. As she had only realised the tide had come in, the petrified girl had little time to gather her pink cowries and find the winding path back to the cottage. Just as Cherry had started to collect her shells in a bag, a tidal wave flew towards her at a tremendous speed, froth collecting at the base of it. It summoned the most ferocious winds to howl and moan beside it. As it started to climb to strike the death blow, Cherry finally regained her thoughts and started to run. Suddenly a batch of sea spray caught in her eyes, temporarily blinding her. This was the end, she thought.
As quickly as the former events occurred, Cherry found that she had been swept out- far beyond her private beach. “What am I going to do!” she sobbed, “I should have been home by now. And where am I?” She scanned her surroundings. This was definitely not her beach. A fine line of discarded flotsam and jetsam marked the end of the beach, and smooth pebbles were scattered everywhere. “HELP!” she cried desperately, in the hope someone would answer. She called again. No answer.
As the pale light of afternoon faded into the unforgiving night, Cherry curled up in a wet ball, hoping morning would come soon.
Suddenly her eyes fluttered open, to the sight of rolling banks of fog coating the beach. But beyond the darkness a warm, twinkling light restored her faith. She had to get home. She wrung the wet out of her clothes, rolled up her sleeves and then began her journey. She strode towards a mountain, with pure determination, and started to climb. Cherry grasped on to every ledge she could, making steady progress. As soon as she got up, Cherry spotted a little thatched cottage in the distance. It looked like the one they were renting. “It couldn’t possibly be...” she murmured. Rotten sprouts curled up her ankles, as if saying “Go there!” She picked up her little bag, full to the brim of rose pink cowries and shiny pearls, and set off.
She pranced through the dark forest, feeling she was as high as the mottled canopy. After that a small clearing edged into view. There was a thatched cottage: the same she saw on the jagged mountain top. Warm smoke trailed close to the stone chimney and there was a picnic basket and blanket laid across the damp grass. She ran in to be greeted with a hug from her mother, smelling like fresh pastries.
“What have you been doing all this time?” she said softly, stroking Cherry’s hair. “A wave swept me somewhere strange. I had to find my way home. I barely got away with my life.” “Well its good you came back, dear.” Her mother smiled warmly.
I really liked Will's deliberate use of repetition in his writing and his vocabulary choices to build tension. Have a look below at his brilliant writing.
The waves crashed against the colossal rocks as Cherry drew closer and closer to the middle of the sea. Cherry cried for help, but nobody could here her distant cries, eventually she realised that nobody could her, so she swam and swam but the white horses were too strong for her and her small statured body! The sun had fallen, and it was now dark, Cherry was so far away from her cottage that she could no longer see the lighthouse.
Suddenly something from beneath her swam right past her making sure it hit her hard. Cherry was more frightened than ever, she splashed her small arms and legs but she could barely keep herself from drowning. Before she knew it, she was being dragged under the water by an unknown creature! It dug into her flesh and dragged her further and further down Cherry scrambled and kicked in temptation for the creature to let go but it wouldn’t work!
Cherry made one last try to get the creature off and it worked she dragged herself up and up trying not to drown while doing it! Blood poured from her leg like the Niagara Falls, a boat drew into Cherry’s eyesight coming closer she realised she had been spared with life itself!
Wednesday 6th January-yet more superb writing today building tension and pace.
I really liked the unusual way Corey decided to continue the story and his use of deliberate vocabulary choices such as 'bitter tears.' Read it below.
Bitter tears fell down her cheeks like small water falls. Every couple of minutes Cherry had thought that she heard her brothers’ laughter but really all they were was just memories of the joy she had in her. “How idiotic I have been” She kept on repeating to herself until she noticed the numbers 1,5,10 carved into a rock.
Confusion struck her like thunder. Why were they there? What are they for? Is it a code? Then Cherry realised there was a small trap-door on the ground. Not knowing what to do, she pulled on the trap-door as hard as she could but it didn’t even move a single bit. It was like a boulder. Looking to the side Cherry realised a petit panel next to the trap door then she remembered the code she had saw on the rock and put it in.
As quick as a flash, the trap door had opened. Slowly, Cherry entered the trap door and went down the ladder. Without warning, Cherry let go of the ladder due to her hands being numb from the freezing cold of the beach. Landing with a great thud, she still clutched onto the shells, which were in her jumper. “He-hello”she stuttered “Is a-anyone there” But no one came…